Holed
 
 


It’s often said that the best business deals are done on the golf course. Rivalry between players can also be at its height on the fairways and greens. But murder? And is there really any justice at the end of a match? The black comedy Holed opened up this can of worms and through the match-play game between four golfing partners proved that anything – anything – could happen during a game of golf, but that justice could still prevail in the end.
  The plot

Nick Monkton’s father used to be the club professional and won everything her played. His son is justly proud of him, although a black cloud – literally – hangs over the club for Nick in that it was here, in one of the lakes, that his father drowned; we don’t know the circumstances. The most influential member of the club, Henry, plays him every week, and every week Nick loses in spite of all the exercises Nick does to psych himself up for a match; Tai Chi, relaxation therapy, you name it, he does it – including building up his swing power by testing it against an old tyre. His concentration here is interrupted by Henry’s arrival, coming as he does in his corporate helicopter. After some snide advice about his stance over a megaphone, he goes off to land. Nick vows that today is going to be different.

His playing partner Hugh arrives on an old motor scooter with his golf bag slung over his shoulders. As he gets off and struggles to remove the bag, all his clubs fall out onto the ground. A noisy bright red Porsche 911 roars up with the personalised numberplate SLIM. It parks up next to him, running over a couple of his clubs and snapping them. Henry’s playing partner, “Slim” Jim, apologises to him, but it’s plainly obvious that he meant to do it and that there’s no love lost between them – although shared might be a different matter as we see later.

Henry comes up and greets him warmly; Slim thinks the helicopter is great. It is clear that these two have a rapport and that both of them think Hugh, who is forever fighting some sort of allergy or illness, and Nick are beneath them. As Nick comes up to them from his exercises, they both deride him, though not to his face, mocking his stance and his feet. This match is a grudge match, as it always has been, but will the better players win?

Out on the course, and Henry’s got yet another gadget to ponce about in; a brand new golf buggy. Of course, Jim thinks it’s the bee’s knees, though Hugh doesn’t. Not surprising when Henry “accidentally” knocks into him twice; he’s still getting used to it is his excuse, but he really just wants to put Hugh in his place. He roars off to the first tee with Jim in pursuit; just as gadget conscious, if not as high up the social and money ladder, the tall man still lords it over the other two with his motorised golf trolley.

As Hugh massages his bruised arm, the sky darkens and there is an ominous rumble of thunder. Nick stands and pleads with the sky. He’s tired of losing every week; he needs to beat Henry and Jim. The sky agrees and the game is on.

Teeing off

At the first hole, Jim reminds them all that it’s “losers first – you again!” so it’s his opponents to tee off first. He derides the state of Nick’s clubs and asks when he’s going to trade them in for a new set. Nick has no intention of doing that; if they were good enough for his father, they’re good enough for him. After all he beat everyone – including Henry. Nick makes a great shot, despite Jim’s derisory comment about his feet. It’s Jim’s turn next and he shows his colours; he’s superficial and crude, and his personalised tee (a naked woman holding her arms above her head to hold the golf ball) just goes to prove it. He takes his latest acquisition for his golf bag; a brand new golden-headed club. Henry approves, mainly because it puts Nick’s clubs to shame. Jim tells them that all the pros use them; ‘Seve’ Ballisteros has six of them. Which is a shame, as six is about the number of feet Jim manages using it to tee off! So much for modern golfing technology. Hugh tells him straight-faced that he’s got a real bargain there…

On the fairway they are waiting for Hugh to take his next shot. He goes through various manoeuvres, all designed to take his mind of his latest worry – his smoking habit. He’s given up, but still gets the cravings and Jim lighting one up in his sight to put him off doesn’t help. He takes his swing and it looks to be miles off, but it ricochets off a tree straight onto the green. Hugh thinks that maybe watching Jim’s ciggie helped him concentrate. The opposition cannot believe their eyes…

On the green, Jim carries on in his same crude form; his marker has the Playboy logo on it, and Hugh’s warning about licking the ball to clean it elicits only a crude joke that Henry shares. He then indulges in a spot of cheating, distracting their attention and moves his marker a few feet closer to the hole. When Nick and Hugh remark there’s nothing there, he says he thought he saw a golden eagle and it must have been a trick of the light! Overhead the thunder sounds ominously; something doesn’t take kindly to the way this match is going. Of course, Jim sinks his putt and it’s up to Nick to do the same to halve the hole. Jim and Henry put him off, as Hugh reminds them joking the same old jokes they always do, and Nick’s shot runs round the hole. The first hole goes to them.

At the fourth, and one up, Nick could swear he heard a cat, though none of the others do. Hugh tees off – another miracle shot! It hits the surface of one of the course’s lakes, but instead of sinking without trace it bounces off the surface out onto the fairway. It also brings half a dozen fish floating to the surface, obviously stunned by Hugh’s ball! Henry takes the next swing, but as soon as he takes it he moans and shouts at the cows behind him the field; they moved and put him off! “You lot are steak!” He takes out a Dictaphone and makes a memo for the next AGM; cows to be removed from the vicinity. He storms off down the fairway in his buggy as the rest of the party follow.

While Nick looks for his ball in the bushes – Jim tells him another minute and he’ll have to deem it lost – Hugh confesses some of his worries to the taller man. With hayfever, inflamed membranes and everything else, the last thing he needs is a missing cat; Sylvester has been missing for three days. He might as well be talking to the trees as Jim’s more interested in extolling the virtues of his ‘silk substitute’ tank top; ‘Seve’ has a whole load of them, and Jim’s thinking of taking a load to Europe to flog. Hugh asks if he’d take his wife Julie abroad; he’s not able to now, he suspects he’ll be mugged at gunpoint again if he took her. At this moment, Nick announces he’s found his ball – but Jim rules it outside time and the score’s back to all square.

At the fifth, Jim’s ball is obstructed by a young tree, but instead of taking a penalty and a drop shot, Jim saws it down while Henry gets a ruling from the Royal and Ancient Tele-golf Database; they are allowed to remove it if it’s diseased. It’s perfectly healthy of course, but they decide it has Dutch Elm Disease and rule it as allowable. After all, since when did the truth matter? Hugh vows to say something about this blatant cheating, though Nick reminds him he shouldn’t get stressed. He also hears the cat again, though still no one else does. He takes his shot, but it doesn’t come off, and Jim taunts him that he forgot to do his exercises.

Jim and Henry consult another new gadget of Henry’s for the next shot to the green; Henry says it’s taken four off his handicap, but this doesn’t impress Nick – his dad wouldn’t have need any gadget, and a peel of thunder overhead agrees with him. Slim says he always gets the best grip on his clubs through the application of vinegar – another tip from ‘Seve’ - and goes to anoint his grip with some from his bag. Opening the bag up, a black cat leaps out – the missing Sylvester! Hugh chases after him and everybody wonders how Sylvester got in Jim’s bag. Then Hugh twigs about the vinegar that he’s smelt at home before…

Arriving on the green for hole number five, Hugh pretends to consult the rulebook; carrying small domestic animals in your golf bag isn’t allowed so they win the hole by default – onto the next. He tells Jim he knows why Sylvester was in his bag; he and Hugh’s wife Julie have obviously been having an affair, and Hugh’s knowledge of this is the only thing that makes Jim take note of the little man he despises.

Henry asks Nick to video him so he can see what he’s doing wrong with his swing. Nick inadvertently mentions it would be useful to borrow it for his wedding to Chris – Henry’s daughter. It’s the first Henry’s heard of it and after nearly blowing up in disgust, he laughs it off; he’s sure his daughter is aiming just a little higher up the social ladder than the deceased Larry Monkton’s son.

Nick comes over to Hugh, who is smoking a cigarette sold to him by Jim and thinking about events. He tells Nick that after his first breakdown the doctors told him to relax, take nice, long walks, take up golf. After what he’s learned he thinks bullfighting would be more relaxing. Nick says they will beat Henry and Jim, he swears it.

On the sixth green, while Henry has problems with his golf buggy, Nick has a long putt to sink to halve the hole. Jim is ready to take the pin out, but as it nears the hole he fails to remove it and Nick’s ball doesn’t go in. Hugh accuses him of cheating in some ungentlemanly language, but when they test it the pin actually is stuck. Hugh is forced to apologise and Henry makes a note about Hugh’s language in his Dictaphone for the AGM.

We catch up with the party at hole number 10, where Henry is in the bunker blaming sandworms for moving and putting him off his shot! In the meantime, Hugh has done it again – not only has his ball landed on the green, but so has the gull he hit in doing so; Hugh suggests Jim might like to take it home – in case the cat needs feeding. Getting his own back, Jim shows Henry how to scoop his ball out of the bunker – yet another trick taught to him by ‘Seve’ – and while he manages it, he also hits Hugh in the face with flying sand.

While Hugh cleans himself up, he pulls out a bottle of pills and starts popping them; Nick asks why and Hugh reveals he’s had a recent heart scare, probably due to ‘stress’. Nick is aghast; surely he shouldn’t be out playing with these devils in that case? Hugh is determined; he’ll be alright.

At the next hole, Slim takes a practise swing and the head on his newfangled club flies off and hits Henry – the sky peels at this point as if someone is taking note and laughing! Hugh mentions he might not be the only one under pressure, an accusation Jim refutes – he is pressure. However, his next brilliant shot is even more encouraging to Nick and Hugh – this time his ball goes right through the windscreen of Henry’s buggy, and if Henry hadn’t been bending down at the time, that would have been a premature end to his match! However encouraging or amusing these events are to Hugh though, his health is deteriorating – he is starting to get twinges…

Onto the next hole and Slim has found Nick’s ball before they get there and he sabotages it. Nick asks Henry why he doesn’t want him to marry his daughter; it’s plain that Henry wouldn’t have him as a son-in-law for all the tea in China, although other than being a social climber we do not know why at this point. Is it to do with Nick’s dad always beating him? Nothing to do with it, Henry says, his dad’s form was just a lucky streak – twelve years and best player at the club ever makes for some streak. And besides, Henry did beat him, at his last ever game – but no one else saw it. How convenient – and sinister. Nick takes his shot and his ball breaks in two. By the rules that means he and Hugh have lost the hole – but funny how that always seems to happen to Nick every game they play… Again, all square.

Hugh takes a shot up the fairway, but ‘accidentally’ hits Jim in the leg. Nick asks what he’s playing at and Hugh blurts out how he’s found out about Julie and Jim. That’s why he recognised the vinegar smell; he’s smelt it at home a few times and it must be from his golf bag as Jim never goes anywhere without his clubs. He starts to take some more tablets, but Jim wrenches them out of his hand. He thinks he and Henry have been good to Hugh over the years, and he can’t let Hugh take ‘performance enhancing drugs’ any longer; he throws them in the bushes. Nick is worried for his partner, but Hugh vows – this time ‘Slim’ Jim loses.

When we catch up with them up the course, Jim offers Hugh both a drink from his hip flask and a cigarette; Hugh takes both though he shouldn’t. Jim starts to talk about a pal, Brian Allen, who sells insurance – makes a change for a story from Jim not to be about ‘Seve’, so there’s a motive. He asks if Hugh has got any insurance? If not he’d be only too happy to get Brian to pop round… Henry plays a great shot from the fairway, and tells Nick that in that last game with his father all his shots were like that before roaring off up to the green.

At the 16th Hugh is in the bunker, and Jim acts up to form using it as a public convenience. When Hugh needs advice on how to get out of the soiled lie his ball is in, Nick tells him ‘give it a whack.’ He does, and with the usual turn of luck – or fate? – for Hugh it sails clean out of the bunker into the hole! Henry and Jim are mad; they could still lose. Henry makes another note to have Hugh banned at the AGM – but the ill golfer may not get that far; the twinges are getting worse.

Henry’s buggy is causing him more problems, and he’s trying to start it when Nick asks him what he’s done so wrong that he won’t let him and Chris marry. Simple, Henry snarls – “you exist”, before roaring off. Nick vows there and then to marry her.

Jim carries on probing about Hugh’s insurance; he’s thinking of Julie – ha, ha. How much will she get? “A quarter of a million and the house,” Hugh replies – “and it’s all yours.” He obviously realises he’s not going to be around for much longer, but that doesn’t mean he’s going down without a fight, even with this admission.

At the 17th Jim tries his ‘look at that!’ ploy again, but while Hugh turns to look, Nick doesn’t fall for it a second time and Jim is caught red-handed and is forced to abandon the cheat. Even so “people like me and Seve were born to make putts like these” and while Henry tells Hugh he’s going to have him dope-tested, Jim plays the shot. Just as it’s about to go in the hole, Nick “slips” with the flag and his foot goes over the hole, stopping the ball from going in. Jim protests as Nick apologises, pointing out that they’ll have to put it down to his “weak” feet – after all, he and Henry do keep going on – and on – about them… Nick puts the flag back in and tells Henry that he never beat his dad. Henry says not only that he did, but he later followed him out onto the course and watched him drown, the truth of which is admitted by another peel of thunder overhead. Nick is stunned.

Jim says he could do a lot with a quarter of a million pounds. Hugh says Julie will see through him and he won’t get a penny. When Jim tells him not to worry, she’ll be well looked after, Hugh tries to punch him, but his strength is ebbing away now and he goes down on the ground. Jim doesn’t help him up, he just goes on to the last hole – the decider.

The decider – in more ways than one

Henry tries to make out that here Nick’s father almost cried when Henry made the shot of his life. Nick knows it’s tosh and that he’s still just trying to rubbish his brilliant father and make himself look good. Jim tries to get a ruling from Henry; surely there must be one when one of your playing partners tries to punch you? Henry has other things on his mind though, such as putting Nick in his place again.

However, Nick has a secret weapon up his sleeve; well, in his golf bag. He has brought with him the urn containing his father’s ashes and he offers them up to the sky, asking his father to provide him with the skill and luck to make the winning stroke. As the thunder booms overhead, Henry knocks the urn from Nick’s hands and the ashes scatter over the course. Nick is mad and tells him he’ll pay for that. He takes out his driver and lines up for the shot. He psyches himself up, looks up once to Hugh’s pained but reassuring face and plays the shot. It sails over the lake cleanly and lands, rolling to a stop an inch from the pin. Nick turns to Henry and says “Beat that, Henry, show me how it’s done”. After saying he might end up like his father – i.e. dead – Henry takes his shot and it’s mediocre at best. He sets off in his buggy with Jim riding on the back and Nick goes to walk up with Hugh, but the older man sinks to the ground; he’s almost had it. Nick tries to rally him – if they don’t get to and play the final green, the rotten pair will win by default.

After waiting for ages and about to claim the game, Jim and Henry protest as Nick comes into view carrying Hugh. You can’t carry your playing partner around the course they claim, and try to take the match. Nick tells Henry that if he tries to do that he’ll tell everyone, his daughter, the club committee, everybody how he could have saved his father from drowning but let him die, and Hugh rubs salt into the wound by telling Jim he’ll cancel the insurance policy! Jim’s prepared to take the chance; he doesn’t think Hugh will live long enough to be able to do it.

Henry, however, has more to tell about the fateful day and the after match events; “I dashed into the clubhouse to tell them. Your father followed me and I said ‘Larry, come on, go on, Larry, tell them I won,’ and your father just looked at me and said ‘Henry – don’t be such a bad loser. You ought to be used to it by now.’ I was shocked. He just turned his back on me and nothing more was said. Your father lied, Nick, just stood there and lied. The only reason I play with you nick is to beat you. That’s all I want from you, to beat you and keep on beating you. I think your father owes me that.’

Hugh finally puts into words what the viewer has suspected; that the club has a murderer in its ranks and Henry is the culprit. Jim goads Hugh, telling him to do something positive after all the years of marital heartbreak and emotional blackmail he claims he’s foisted on his wife. Hugh looks at the flag Jim is carrying and after looking across at Nick says that maybe it is time for that. He takes the flag and spears Jim through the chest with it, but the action brings on his own imminent heart attack and both sink to the ground dead.

Looking at the carnage, all Henry can say is “Er – call the match a half, shall we?” and climbs back into his buggy. He puts his safety belt on and sets off back to the clubhouse, Nick chasing after him in pursuit. However, Henry is on a dangerous course – you should never let a black cat cross your path. Sylvester appears and Henry swerves to avoid him. This puts him on a collision course with the lake. The steering locks and his brakes fail and the buggy goes sailing down into the lake, taking Henry with it. He can’t release the safety belt and as the thunder peels again, Henry sinks into the lake and drowns, echoing the manner of young Nick’s father’s death.

Nick sinks the putt, winning the match and throws the ball into the lake with a victory shout. It splashes in next to Henry. “We did it, Sylvester. We won.” Justice was served, although only one member of the team survived to tell the tale.

Production

The comedy-drama was entirely shot on location at the Hever Golf Club in Kent; indeed in one shot with the clubhouse in the background, ‘Hever’ is emblazoned upon its roof in light roofing tiles, so if in watching the drama you decided not to become a member, rest assured it is now quite safe to do so!

The drama was written by Jeff Povey, who had previously had few professional writing credits with work on Casualty and Stay Lucky, with Dennis Waterman and Jan Francis, his only credited work. However, after Holed, his writing career picked up considerably with episodes for City Central, Holby City, The Afternoon Play and Grange Hill (as a staff writer). He also provided the screenplay for Wire In The Blood starring Robson Green and the short film Blowing It starring Paul Kaye, which he also directed.

Holed was directed for World Productions by a director known for her association with the Hat Trick production company, Liddy Oldroyd, and was often a director assigned to new series in their first year. Her work included the first series of such popular shows as Spitting Image, Desmond’s and Drop The Dead Donkey as well as S&M, Terry and Julian and Paris, and she also directed the later series of the sitcom After Henry. In 1996 she directed both Holed and The Preventers, a cheeky sendup and potential pilot of the ITC/Lew Grade shows such as The Champions and Department S. After this work followed on series such as Underworld, The Wilsons and the first series of the Kathy Burke sitcom Gimme, Gimme, Gimme with her last credit being an episode of The Strangerers, an oddball comedy from the writers of Red Dwarf for Sky One. However, by this point, she was suffering from cancer which finally ended her life on 27th June 2002, aged just 47.

The music for the drama was provided by noted composer Richard Harvey, who had begun his career on Tales of the Unexpected at the end of the 1970’s and carries on to this day. Other work for television prior and after Holed includes Death of an Expert Witness, Terrahawks, Morgan’s Boy, many PD James’ Adam Dalgleish stories including The Black Tower and Devices and Desires, First Among Equals, Rockcliffe’s Folly, G.B.H, Doctor Finlay, The Wimbledon Poisoner, Jane Eyre and Animal Farm. He has also had a prolific career for film starting with a version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover in 1981 and continuing through Blind Date, Steaming, Defence of the Realm, Half Moon Street, Paper Mask, and more recently Two Men Went To War and Suriyothai for Francis Ford Coppola. His music for Holed is very much the usual Harvey television style, classical and non-intrusive, setting the scene for what should be a peaceful round of golf; the viewer, of course, finds out to the contrary.

The players, both of golf and of the parts, were for the main an experience cast. The notable exception to this was Rick Warden who played young Nick Monkton. His professional credits began the previous year with two parts in Loved Up on television and the film Different For Girls, but Nick was his first major part. Since then he has had quite a varied film and television career including The Ruth Rendell Mysteries, Joan of Arc, Bravo Two Zero, Dalziel and Pascoe, Band of Brothers, Shackleton and Doctor Zhivago.

His co-stars included those right at the other end of their careers as well as those inbetween. Holed’s Henry was to be the last acting part for Richard O’Sullivan, who quit showbusiness for the most part around that time and concentrates on various other interests. He had had a lengthy career starting in the film The Stranger’s Hand in 1952 and with his first tv role in Colonel March of Scotland Yard in 1954, but although he had many other parts in the Sixties and Seventies in both straight drama and comedy he will be best remembered for the role of hapless Dr. Lawrence Bingeham in the Doctor In The House/Doctor In Charge series, the part of Robin Tripp in Man About The House and Robin’s Nest and in the later drama series Dick Turpin as the eponymous highwayman. After this parts became scarce for O’Sullivan as he hit age 40 and it was only odd roles such as Henry in Holed that kept him in the public eye. He still does some voiceover work for commercials, but does spend a lot of time working for charity including the Lord’s Taverners.

His other co-stars still act regularly. Bradford-born Duncan Preston played Jim in Holed, but had first appeared on screen in 1964 in episodes of the soap Crossroads and indeed one of his most recent roles has been in another soap Crossroads as Dennis Stokes. However, straight drama and comedy are the bulk of Preston’s career, in particular a lot of roles in series and comedies with comedienne Victoria Wood such as her ...As Seen On TV, Pat and Margaret and dinnerladies. Other drama roles include Bergerac, Boon, Midsomer Murders, Heartbeat, Dalziel and Pascoe, Peak Practice, The Royal and Five Children and It.

Poor old Hugh was played by Tony Robinson, who needs no introduction other than as being famous for the role of Baldrick in the various incarnations of Blackadder with Rowan Atkinson. His first on-screen credited appearance was in the children’s Saturday variety series Play Away in 1971, but since then he has gone on to make his name not only as one of Eighties comedy’s greatest exponents but as a director, writer and presenter on series such as The Worst Jobs in History, The Real Macbeth and the popular archeological series Time Team.

The nineteenth hole

As a black comedy, Holed is admirable. It boils down to basically a contest between good (Hugh and Nick) and evil (Henry and Jim), and although you hope that good will win out in the end, you never know exactly what’s going to happen as the score swings back and forth all the way through. It reflects that the stresses and strains of the real world often do not get put aside while out on the course, and indeed provide yet another staging ground for one-upmanship in life by victory or defeat within the game. But it takes to excess those factors and provides through the great dialogue and visual gags, the superb portrayals by all four cast members and the beautiful location a wonderful piece of comedy drama where justice does finally prevail, at least for the Monktons. Holed is, without doubt, one of the holes in one in Nineties comedy drama.

article copyright PPS / M.Hearn 2004